Story #10 - Imperative

HOW TO WRITE RAUNCHY, SAUCY, SEXY PORNOGRAPHIC FICTION

EVEN IF IT’S REALLY JUST “EROTIC FICTION”

EVEN IF IT’S NOT ALL COMPLETELY FICTION

BY KELLY HANKEN

Start by looking over your history of sexual endeavors. It won’t be very long, knowing you, and it’ll be scattered mostly with really awkward moments and not very many romantic, sensual moments, if any at all. Dismiss all of your experiences because they’re too realistic – when have you ever read a piece of pornographic fiction where the man forgets condoms or misses and starts fucking the couch, anyway? Nobody wants to read realistic porn, after all. Hesitate and then change the term to “smut” – it’s not any better but it has a classier ring to it and doesn’t evoke images of big-lipped blonde women with fake breasts.

Be ambitious and decide to write smut about two homosexual men, even though you might not be a man or gay. If you’re both a man and gay, decide to write lesbian smut. You want to jump head-first into the pool after all, not dip a toe in. Once you get this over with, you’ll be immersed and able to swim no matter how deep the water. You write a story where there’s anal penetration without lubrication or preparation; not because you think these things are too realistic, you just are completely unaware that this is how it works. If you’re writing lesbian fiction you mention scissoring as the only means of sexual gratification between two women; again, not because you’re a sexist bastard (no wonder you’re gay) but just because you don’t know better. You’re out of your depth.

You post your story to an online writing community and people tell you that you don’t know what you’re writing. They correctly guess your gender and sexual preference and tell you to write what you know, but your professors all told you that and you never listen to your professors. After this stunning defeat by legions of anonymous users online, you sit back and reevaluate your positions. You may even decide to quit writing forever, which of course only lasts until you get too many ideas in your head to handle and need to write them out.

You start browsing the internet and watching porn. It doesn’t turn you on really because it’s so gratuitous, but you want to get an idea of the kind of sex different preferences have. You think about incorporating the use of condoms into your writing and consider writing straight smut. You go to internet sites where people post about their most hilarious, awkward, and horrific sexual experiences and take notes. You browse sex shops online for kinks you could incorporate, if you ever end up swimming out of the shallows again.

Your next story that you post up for review has a couple of your own sexual orientation and people remark that it feels dry and contrite. They again correctly guess that you watched a lot of porn and copied a lot from it, and tell you again to write what you know. You did, though – it’s sex you’ve had.

Now you’re feeling ready to give up and so you revisit your original timeline of sexual encounters. You notice that recently, as you’ve been writing more and more porn – and now it deserves the title, you’re not embarrassed of it any more – you’ve been having a little more sex than usual. You realize that a lot of silly things happened during your last few encounters. You can relate to the people who posted about their own silly sexual escapades and you wonder if, maybe, that’s what people like to hear.

Your third story has wit, charm and a hilarious moment where the man, drunk and eager, accidentally begins fucking the woman’s leather couch that ends up as a precursor to a rather steamy shower scene. Your reviews are all good, and they commend you on finally getting the art of writing a good sex scene down. You realize they call it a scene and now you realize that a story can’t be based on sex alone.

You decide to work on expanding your scene into a full-blown romantic comedy. You don’t know how to write comedy very well. You repeat all above steps, replacing sex with wit.